External relationships directly affect our internal one, and vice versa.
In everyone I have ever come across who struggles with disordered eating, there seems to be a direct relationship between the level of chaos, fear, and confusion they experience around food and the chaos in their relationships. This is not to say that your relationships are flawed or unloving — but there is usually a correlation between how we relate to others and how we relate to ourselves.
The complex dynamics in relationships feed back into our perceptions of ourselves and the world. We call this a dual feedback loop — consequences feed back into causes and intensify them. When we have a greater understanding of how we relate to the external world, we can begin to better navigate our internal world. This often leads to a strange but beautiful improvement in our relationship with food and our bodies.
As you start to cultivate more awareness, you may notice that interactions with other people often trigger uncomfortable feelings. It is important to keep in mind that awareness is only the first step to lasting change. We then need to assess and implement necessary action around these relationships to improve our situations.
Perhaps you have relationships that have brought pain or guilt. Or perhaps you are stuck in a cycle of negative interaction with someone right now. Maybe you desire more loving relationships but are filled with fear to open yourself up. Whatever the case, these relationships have one thing in common: they cause an emotional response.
Up until now, you may have become used to responding to uncomfortable emotions by resorting to old patterns. This means that the emotions you experience in relationships can act as triggers — because your mind has learned to manage them in a particular way.
A fundamental part of recovery is starting to assess your relationships and how they make you feel. Here are some steps to help you begin:
1. Write out a list of the people who play the most important roles in your life — family, friends, colleagues, partners.
2. Give each relationship a rating of 1–10 as to how healthy it currently feels.
3. Think about times when you have interacted with each person. Have you noticed old patterns emerging during or after these interactions? What was the trigger?
4. Think about ways that you could improve each relationship. This could be having an open conversation, shifting your perception, accepting them for who they are, or even removing the relationship entirely.
5. How would you like to choose to respond next time you feel triggered in these relationships?
If you're struggling to navigate your recovery journey, please get in touch — I would love to support you.